by Rabbi Manis Friedman

The Spiritual and The G-dly
A “spiritual” person wants to be ecstatic, to discover what’s real, merge with it and lose himself in something greater than himself. But he doesn’t necessarily want to follow G-d’s practical instructions.  G-dly means doing those things G-d wants -- like eating matza on Pesach. Torah means G-d wants a favor. G-d said, “Come to Sinai because I need you to do me a favor. Okay, 613 of them.”  That’s how you get close to G-d. If you’re close to G-d, you’re incapable of sinning. The simple Jew can be higher than the scholar because he does what G-d wants, he’s available, he hears G-d’s voice.
 
Relationships:  Facts and Feelings
In any relationship, the most important thing is the fact, the truth, the foundation of the relationship, not the feeling. “This is my husband.”  “This is my child.” Feeling is secondary to the fact. Feelings rise and ebb. The fact is stable, unchanging. Even if I don’t feel love at the moment, I will act lovingly. No matter how I feel, I will still change my baby’s diaper.

In all cases, if you love what you have, rather than loving a fantasy, then you’re a mench. Instead of wanting what you don’t have, love what you do  have. Be excited by your  children, not somebody else’s. You need to blossom where you’re planted. Stop looking for the adventure. You are  the adventure.
 
Serving
Sometimes we feel a sense of injustice, that we give to our husband or children more than we get in return.

In reality, we were created to give, to serve. This is what life is all about from beginning to end.  We are here to serve G-d. When you acknowledge that you were created to serve your Maker, serving you spouse and children is part of the bigger picture. But if you’re not serving G-d, why should you serve others?

We’re confused. “Becoming something” has replaced serving the Creator. “Be all you can be” has replaced G-d.

Let’s get back on track. Ultimately, the only thing we won’t regret in our lives is the service we did for others. That’s what has real validity.

So ignore it when your children say you’ve ruined their lives. And the fact that your mother was always there for you will, in the end, outweigh what she did or didn’t do for you. We will always regret some things we did to our kids. But we will never regret that  we did for them. Be totally comfortable doing the serving -- not to receive in return, just to serve; that is true humility.
 
The Baal Tshuvah
A baal tshuvah is always growing. In a way, he is more alive than a tzaddik because his “movement” is so much more radical. The movement of a tzaddik is gradual, a determined kind of growth. A baal tshuvah’s growth comes in bursts. He wakes up and feels like yesterday’s success was no success. He never feels like he’s there yet.

To a great degree, the Rebbe was a baal tshuvah. He had that kind of psyche. He felt that until Moshiach is here, we have accomplished nothing. He had a baal tshuvah personality.  What happened before was nothing. Every new project was the beginning of everything.

Modesty
When a married woman covers her hair, it creates an aura, a presence that distinguishes her from an unmarried woman. A married woman has to have that additional aura because in Torah, modesty is commensurate with holiness. Wherever there is more holiness, there is more modesty and concealment.

By keeping our energy inward, we preserve and protect intimacy and sensuality. Sensuality, when it is opened up to the outside, dissipates. With your husband you have to be even more modest to preserve the measure of sensuality that you have: sensuality is not shareable.

The deeper a person, the more there is to enjoy, the more they have to give. Sensuality is what you are. If it’s exposed, you’re giving it away. The more internal you keep your sensuality, the more intense it is and the more others enjoy it.

Our deepest yearnings are for what we can’t have, for what is still available. What a man wants from a woman, he can’t have; it’s what a woman can’t give. So he ends up wanting her, not what she can give. It’s the way we yearn for G-d, but we can’t have Him because He’s hidden. We’re longing for the G-dliness that will come with Moshiach and the redemption. It’s like the inner part of the Torah. We want to get to that part of G-d that is hidden. A man wants to be with a woman, to be in the presence of what he can’t have. We want from each other what we both can’t give away.

Marriage means two people respect each other enough to never take what isn’t theirs. Then each one’s sensuality and intimacy has remained untouched. With marriage, we have this ability to give to each other and never take anything away. A husband and wife are intimate without the lights on:  sensuality thrives in the dark.

A partial, half-hearted intimacy is not allowed. When intimate behavior becomes “social” sensuality is squandered, lost. Then we start complaining that we have no intimate life.The holiness is gone.

In marriage, the avoidance of familiarity makes the intimate relationship G-dly. You’re a guest in someone else’s home; don’t violate their space.

The body wants of another body what it can’t have just as the soul wants of G-d what it can’t have. That’s why intimacy is so seductive. In all areas of your life, be conscious that what you want, you really can’t have.